OK, in case you're reading this while hiccuping, I'll spare you the intro and get right to it:

1. Inhale through your nose, as slow as you can.
   Imagine filling your lungs with air until you're about to pop like a balloon.
2. Once you can't get any more air in, hold your breath for about 10 seconds.
   Stay concentrated – don't let your thoughts wander.
3. Exhale, this time through your mouth, again – AS SLOWLY AS YOU CAN.
   Make it take at least 10 seconds.

There you have it. No drinking water upside down, no asking your sister/partner/dog to spook you by suddenly declaring tabs are better than spaces. If you've done everything correctly, you'll feel a bit weird, like the next hic should come any moment… but the thing is, it just never does!

TROUBLESHOOTING

1. It doesn't –hic– work!
   You may have tried to do it too fast, or let your mind go on a side quest.
   The trick is to go ultra slow and stay super focused. If you're in the middle of a walk, watching a movie, or itching to get back to debate those conspiracy theories with your cat – pause.
   My theory is that we unconsciously keep certain muscles tense when we multitask, and they only chill out when we focus entirely on breathing. Or the other way around. IDK, ask a scientist. I'm here to give you solutions, not explanations!

2. I did it right, tried three times, still –hic– <waves frantically with despair>
   Fair! Look, I'm not a doctor. I'm not even pretending to be one on the internet. Maybe this trick just doesn't work for everyone. What I do know, though, is that I went through every ridiculous hiccup cure I could find – from weird water tricks to trying to learn burping on command – but this stuff, it's so much simpler, and also… the only thing that ever worked for me.
   Every single time.
   Except when I half-ass it, zone out halfway through, or decide to exhale like a deflating balloon because I'm "in a hurry". Hence the dramatic emphasis on doing it slow and staying focused. I'm not being annoying – I'm being lovingly obsessive for your benefit. You're welcome, BTW.

3. I can't do this, every–hic–one looks at me weird.
   And somehow hiccuping like a possessed rubber duck is the socially graceful alternative? Please.
   Just tell them you're about to attempt this ancient breathing technique you heard about from Dash, and that for the next half a minute, they'll be seeing 503 Service Temporarily Unavailable. That way they won't call 911 or worse yet, Men in Black, thinking you're mid-abduction.
   Really, you'll be fine. And if not, hand them this post and tell them to take it up with me.

Anyway, if this actually cured you, you owe me a drink. Slowly. Through your mouth. Ten seconds minimum.